Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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