You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
