It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
