Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
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