I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
