Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
