i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
