The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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