Im at strip club and am horny
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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