I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
