Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
