Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
