I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
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I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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