my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
