i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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