Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
