Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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