I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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