I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
