a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
