You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
