Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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