she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
