Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She needs sedatives and a leash
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
