So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
