i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
