What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
