If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
