My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
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Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
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They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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