He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
