i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
