Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
