I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
