i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
