So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Randomize
