I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
