I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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