I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
they need to just BURY HIM!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
How external is "for external use only"?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And then my night got REAL pukey
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
