i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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