we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
