Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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