Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
