You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
