This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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