Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
