who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
