my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
