just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
