Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
