I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
