Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
