i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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