Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
