if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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