I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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