I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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