Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
