READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
