if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
